i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
