the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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