I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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