Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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