puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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