How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
