I didn't shave. On purpose
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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