Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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