You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
