There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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