There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
