i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
