Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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