I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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