Where is the hickey?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
