I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize