I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it because I queefed?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
