There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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