I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
