I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
