I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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