We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
