Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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