Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
