I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's the barista slut.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
