even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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