I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
