he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
