I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
