What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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