She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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