dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
