the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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