Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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