I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
