If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
