can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
