i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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