After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
