You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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