I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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