I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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