Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
