I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
