I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
