I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
