We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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