no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
