felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
