New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize