Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
