woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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