I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
