why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
