Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
