We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
