I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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